If I got a dollar for every time I put these three “goals” at the top of my new year’s resolution list, I would have exactly 48 dollars (16 years- between the ages of 8 to 23- if you’re too lazy to do the math yourself). They weren’t the only constants on there either. There was always things like: be more confident. Workout more. Adopt a more fashionable sense of style and stop wearing so much black. Get rid of your curly hair and straighten your hair more.

In other words, I always took the beginning of the new year as an opportunity to shed my skin, identity, and all that came with them to take on a newer, better version of myself. The old me would be declared deceased at exactly 00:00 on the first of January of every year. I was the literal embodiment of “New Year, New Me”.

Needless to say, I never actually got around to ticking those resolutions off my list- purposely.

That’s because, in all honesty, those resolutions were deeply rooted in a pool of self-hate. I wasn’t trying to better myself or take on new adventures; I was trying to erase the old me completely. But the old me was always also the current me. You don’t just decide to become another person (unless you change your name and move to Mexico, but that’s a whole other scenario). Just because the clock strikes midnight and we all watch a few fireworks crackle in the sky as our pets run for cover doesn’t mean we’ve suddenly become princes and princesses like some reverse Cinderella story.

The only thing those resolutions consistently helped me achieve was guilt. For not getting out of unhealthy habits, losing weight on time, falling in love hard enough, or turning enough heads as I walked into the room with my newly-straightened hair and colorful wardrobe. That guilt would turn into more self-hate, which led to a more vigorous approach of the same resolutions for the next year.

As someone who has tried every crash diet and every instant coffee under the sun I can tell you this with all the confidence I have: overnight success does not happen. Sure, you can lose a few pounds and get that coffee aroma flowing, but your body will bounce back, and that coffee will taste like absolute crap.

It wasn’t until I slowed down to notice all the details around me that I realised that there was never really anything to change- except my attitude towards myself.

Every one of those goals needed me to love myself first. Because I could never be more outgoing if I didn’t feel like what I was saying to the world had value in it. I could never lose weight if every time I saw my reflection in the mirror I was repulsed. I could never travel more when I wasn’t confident enough in my steps from my bed to the kitchen, let alone another city.

This doesn’t mean we should all sit around loving ourselves just as we are and refusing to change- stagnation is not a sign of self love.

What it means is this: we should be gentle with ourselves when setting resolutions. In fact, let’s ditch that word completely and replace it with “intentions”. Your resolution to lose weight can then be transformed to a gentler intention to eat more wholesome food and move your body more often.

I don’t intend on changing myself in 2019. If anything, I want to lean into who I am more than ever before, and it’s a lot more intimidating than setting a goal of 10 kg lost in 12 months!

Because filling up more space within myself means that I’ll have to slow down and listen: to my mind, my ideas, my hunger cues, and my need for more self-care days.